I was awake many hours last night, which is unfortunately not all that unusual these days.
I felt that the universe must have something it wanted me to know or I wouldn’t be wide awake when pretty much everyone else was asleep.
And I don’t get up and watch TV or read or whatever. I just stay in bed.
And as I rolled over again and again, likely driving my dog crazy, though she’s very patient, I started to feel this peacefulness fill me.
I hadn’t felt peaceful all day. There was this energy running through me, fueling me. Driving me on figuratively and literally. And also a bit madly.
And as I drove out towards the water, looking at all the colours of leaves cascading over my car, smelling the fall crispness in the air and the burning wood from family stoves, I felt young again. There was an aliveness, a vibrancy that began moving me closer and closer towards my self.
It felt heady and deliciously freeing. Driving does that to me sometimes. That I can go anywhere I want and do anything I want makes my body vibrate with the freedom of it.
And I’ve done that ever since I was a girl. Not driving, no, but taking off on my own to discover whatever I want to discover. Free and clear of anyone else. It sustained me, and still does.
At one point I used to think it was running away. Being freed of the abuse and my unsafe home life. But I have come to realize that it’s not running away but back. Running back into my self.
I was forced to find freedom and safety outside of my house, so I would enjoy it out in the world of people, city streets, public transit, roads, shops, cafes. Anywhere I wanted to go.
Now I can get in my car and go even farther doing the same thing. And it fills me with the same sense that I am becoming stronger, more whole, more grounded and more myself.
So as I lay in my bed last night, wide awake, but at peace, I knew that the universe wanted me to continue to explore. That my day of freedom had filled my soul with an everlasting connection to my self. One that began long ago out of the same necessity that it does now.
Connection to who I truly am.