A day of grace
The misty water was almost the colour of the sky. As the rain beat down, the water frothed a slate, roiling grey. And the world seemed to have shrunk in on itself, except for the trees everywhere. They were dancing with the rain showering their leaves, bending gently with the cool water coating their leaves.
And we all drove more slowly, as if tentativeness was the word of the day. Caution.
It is a day of transition. A day of coming to terms with what has come before, and what will be.
For me a day of grace.
I am no longer the woman I was yesterday, I am so much more. I have been set free by someone I love even more today than I did yesterday.
A thoroughly beautiful man.
It is ironic that when I set him free he actually came back to me. His honesty and genuine sharing gave me a gift I have not been given before. I will miss him, of that I have no doubt, but he is one of the most open and exceptional men I have ever known, and that is such an amazing gift to me.
Just hearing his voice makes me smile, and lifts me up. And even as we paused and potentially ended our time together, we laughed and told each other with such honesty how we felt about each other.
That for both of us it had been the best. And hearing that touched my soul. It touched my soul so completely.
I wasn’t sure anyone would ever touch me the way he has.
And just knowing that he is out there fills me with so much hope. He is not a common man by any means, and finding him renewed my faith in the universe.
And yesterday I really got that I attract the love I want to me, I realized as we spoke last night that I had attracted his beautiful self to me too. And that made me feel so blessed.
And as I was sitting in my favourite cafe yesterday talking with a guy friend of mine he asked me where I’d been, that I hadn’t been around as much. And I realized, though I didn’t say it, that he was telling me he’d missed me, that being here and seeing me was important to him. And at that moment I loved him because he was giving me his feelings. And I knew that seeing me was just as important to him as seeing him was to me.
There was no reproach, no guilty hint of rebuff in his question. It was instead his heartfelt need that he handed me across the table. I wonder if he realized how much of a gift that was to me? On a day when I was receiving so many already.
Another man who tells me what his heart feels. I have been looking for men like this for years, and suddenly I find two in my life. I feel spoiled with it all.
And how I can feel spoiled when I may not see my beautiful man again, I really don’t know, but I do.
Of course I hope he does come back to me, and I told him that. I told him how I’d love to date him, how I’d love it if he were my boyfriend, but I didn’t say it to pressure him. I just wanted him to know.
Knowing that you are loved is so important, and I’m not sure he feels very lovable these days. But he so is, and I gave him that gift, which he humbly accepted.
Being rejected by a spouse is so devastating. It can make you feel as if something is wrong with you. That you lack something essential for love to find you and keep you.
But that is so untrue. It just means that your spouse can’t see your value and love you for who you are. And no matter how heartbreaking that is, it’s better that they leave you than stay with you out of duty, or for the children.
And it gives you the amazing opportunity to find the person who will value and love you for who you are. Of course it doesn’t feel like that at first, but that’s really why it happened.
I know the universe doesn’t always seem kind, but it knows what it’s doing.
And so despite the fact that I may have lost someone I love yesterday, I can’t feel sad because what we gave each other only lifted us up and made us more.
He will always have a place in my heart. And I hope I will always have a place in his.
And maybe, just maybe, I’ll have him in my arms again.
Now wouldn’t that be an incredible state of grace?!