Honouring our dead–Letting go
Yesterday was our All Saints service at my church, where we honour the dead.
As our minister reads out the names of the recent dead, family members and friends move to the front to light candles in their memory.
It’s a very moving time, and as they file up to the front and cry and comfort each other I shed tears too.
Once the names are read out of the congregations’ loved ones, we can all go up and light candles for our memories of people we’ve known who have passed away.
Yesterday I lit a candle for an old boyfriend of mine who killed himself. I still consider him the love of my life, and I still miss him.
But, for the first time, I also decided to mourn a relationship that didn’t really get started.
A wonderful man that I met isn’t ready to date, which I understand.
I have been missing him and realize that I need to let him go and move on, I can’t keep hoping he’ll contact me because it’s hurting me.
I am therefore mourning his loss.
I cried quite a bit yesterday about that. And also my old boyfriend and the agony he must’ve been in to take his life.
Losing people is something that doesn’t completely go away. That is something that I’m learning.
I used to hide from the feelings of intense loss of connection, but that has only hurt me more. I realize that now more than ever.
The relationship with the wonderful man didn’t even really get started and I still miss him a lot. And I have come to realize that that is who I am. Who I have been and who I want to be.
I feel deeply and I lose deeply.
I can’t avoid who I am anymore and be true to myself, and if I try to be someone else I end up with people who don’t feed my soul.
I don’t want that.
So I will mourn my old boyfriend and the wonderful man I didn’t get to date.
I will be true to my inner feelings.
And it hurts, and makes me sad.
And I will go on remembering them and how they loved me.
An how I loved them.