Rage attracts: Because I’m a woman and because I can
I was thinking of how I’ve let go of my anger, my deep rage that became a part of me over the years.
I used to be fueled by it. Driven. Recklessly.
A lot of the decisions I’ve made were based in rebellion. They weren’t coming from my gut or my heart, but instead my rage.
Rage at being bullied, yelled at, belittled, ignored, trapped, neglected as a very young girl.
That kind of deep rage.
As a child I felt imprisoned, sentenced to I didn’t know what, hence my claustrophobia. That sense of being confined in a space that’s going to grow ever smaller and run out of air.
It took me many years before I realized my rage was attracting other people who carried it as well.
Some of them took responsibility for it and didn’t pollute the world with their crap, others didn’t. Some of them spewed their crap all over everyone they came in contact with, especially the people they supposedly loved.
It was after I saw this pattern that I started to see it within myself.
I wasn’t a spewer, but I attracted the ones who were. Over and over again in my friendships and relationships.
I know now that they were being attracted to me so I could learn this lesson about myself. I had to stop raging within myself to stop attracting toxic people.
And that meant I had to stop hating myself. Stop believing I wasn’t worthy of love. Stop blaming myself for being abused basically. Because she always tried to make me believe it was my fault.
And until I could see that it really wasn’t, my rage wasn’t going to leave.
And it’s really only in the last few months that I’ve let my rage go and stood up for myself and my right to be treated well.
And in doing that it became very clear that what my mother did to me as a girl was insane. That she has a mental health issue that she’s never really addressed. I don’t know what the DSM-5 would call it, but it’s definitely something clinical. There are triggers that make it emerge, but it’s always there under the surface. And not necessarily controllable.
And once I realized this and it really hit me that her abusing me was not my fault, that it was not because of anything I did or didn’t do, it wasn’t because I was unworthy or unlovable, I truly changed within myself.
Instead it was because she has a mental condition that has gone untreated and therefore unaddressed.
That doesn’t mean that the way she treated me was any less heinous or cruel, but it does mean it was not out of an inherent evilness that she reserved only for me. As a child I think I did believe that she was evil, but I believe that no longer.
And that sense that I must submit to abusive people is now gone. I have progressively learned over the years, as I healed, that I have the right to not give in to the bullies and toxic people.
It hasn’t been an easy journey. I have felt a range of emotions for standing up for myself and some of them haven’t felt good at all.
The worst were guilt, shame, anxiety and even panic.
But once I faced each of those the rage started falling away.
And I feel so much lighter. It’s as if I’ve lost 10 pounds of negative energy from my body. It’s really a very remarkable feeling.
And I am finding as a result that the people who I am attracting now care about me for who I am. They aren’t wanting to unload their crap on me, in fact quite the contrary. They are supportive of my journey and who I am.
Not something I’m used to at all.
And I’ve learned above all that the way people treat me is a reflection upon the way I’m treating myself, and through others I can continue to learn how best to be within myself.
Priceless. And incredibly liberating.
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