Going it alone: Doesn’t come naturally but I’m doing it anyway (with help)
This isn’t going to be easy. Coming to terms with living my life based on my own wants and needs.
I can feel that I have an internal struggle going on.
I realize some people would have no problem choosing themselves first. That is so not me, however.
I often feel conflicted. Even unworthy at times. But at least I no longer believe I’ll disappear. Cease to exist because I’m not living my life for someone else.
I was watching one of my favourite shows, Midsomer Murders, a British murder mystery show, and a character on one of the episodes struck me. He was an old man named Tom, who’d come from a very abusive home and had ended up killing his father to stop his father from killing his mother in a drunken rage. He lived rough and slept by a campfire with forest creatures. He’d never really come to terms with what he’d done. And he found the simplicity and peace of nature a balm.
As I was watching him curled up by his fire with a family of foxes curled up not far away I realized that is what I want. I don’t want to live rough, but I do want peace, my own space, animals around me and to live my life based on my own terms.
Some people in the village didn’t like Tom squatting on someone’s land. They thought he was disreputable and eccentric. But he lived there anyway, on a friend’s land, and ignored what the villagers thought of him.
And I realized I’ve never been good at that. Just doing what I want and need. I am getting much better at it and followed my gut and my heart when I rented this apartment and chose to live on my own for the first time.
Somehow I just knew it was the right thing to do for me and that it would work out, which it has. Better than I would ever have expected. And from that I am learning that I can and do make very good decisions for myself when I act on my gut and listen to my heart.
I realized that sometimes I focus on what is worrying me rather than what is good in my life, and by doing that I’m likely attracting more of what I don’t want into my life.
I’m going to make a concerted effort to focus on the good things. On all the things that are going so well. And on how much my intuition has helped me already.
One of the women at my church has been posting photos on Facebook every day about gratitude. I think that’s a wonderful idea. Because focusing on what brings us joy, what we find beautiful and spellbinding about our life is bound to bring more magic into it.
I’m grateful for my family and friends
And so today I want to say how grateful I am for the support of my family and friends when I chose to move here on my own. One friend even said she was amazed at how courageous I was to leave an abusive relationship and choose to go it alone. And to me she is an amazingly courageous woman herself, being a very successful partner in a large accounting firm. Not an easy position for a woman to attain. She must’ve been very courageous herself to get to where she has.
So being here is not only because I had the courage to do it. I also had family and friends behind me who believed in me too, and my decisions to live my life the way I wanted to.
Wherever we get, it’s not only our own doing. There are always people who have helped us and supported us along the way. I see that very clearly now.
So as I learn to live here on my own and make my space and life what I want, I can remember and be grateful for all the people in my life who helped me and encouraged me to get here.
That makes living here a lot easier. And I’m very lucky to be part of such a loving community.
From the series, Because I’m a woman and because I can! by Jacqueline Snider, writer and editor
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