Being whole: For the first time
What happens when everything we thought was holding us back disappears?
When what we believed was limiting us we realize actually no longer exists?
Byron Katie went and sat in the desert for months, and Eckhart Tolle slept on park benches for a couple years. And I am beginning to understand why.
When we see things so completely differently than we have for the first part of our lives, we must just be with it. Just sit with a new way of being. That’s the only way I can describe it.
And that’s how I feel. I don’t feel broken open, for the first time in my life I feel whole. And as I walk around doing regular things, I feel a bit freaked out to be honest. But not in an anxious way, more as if I’m somewhere I’ve never really been before. Because the way I feel inside is so unfamiliar.
And I wonder if where I was before will come and try to pull me back into the life I used to lead. As if a monster from under the bed is going to reach up and pull me under. Could that actually happen? I don’t think so. I don’t identify with that life anymore.
Maybe that’s my ego dying? And trying to pull me back into where I used to be to survive? That’s possible.
But I know I won’t go.
I feel freaked out, but powerful too. And as I was walking doing my shopping yesterday, I saw all the families around me shopping as couples. And I remembered shopping with a man and how much I enjoyed the sharing of it. And I also enjoyed being there on my own, doing it myself. I didn’t feel sorry for myself that I was alone. That would only be a story. I was perfectly happy being there alone. After all, we are only truly ever with ourselves.
And as I felt that, I also realized that I am perfectly happy with my life exactly as it is. Where I am is exactly where I want to be. I’m not sure I’ve ever been able to say that before. Not wholeheartedly. And that’s really it. Quite literally. For the first time in my life my heart is whole. The heartache that I’ve carried with me as a girl is gone.
I never would’ve believed it was possible. I was so used to suffering. Aching deep inside. And now suddenly the ache is healed.
I feel like thanking people for helping me get here. For apologizing to people for giving them only part of who I truly am. And then I think no. I could only be who I was at any particular time. I have done the best I could.
I never set out to be less than who I am. Situations in my life robbed me of parts of myself for a while, but now they’re back. I am forever grateful.
Today I am grateful for my journey. For all the authors I’ve read, for all the friends I’ve had, for my family, my animals, and myself. For never giving up on myself. For never giving up.
From the series, Because I’m a woman and because I can! by Jacqueline Snider, writer and editor
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