Coming out of the male ego
After coming out of my dark night of the soul, I have come to realize how important books are to who I am.
I have always been a big reader and writer, but only truly understood recently how important books are to me and my journey every day.
For a while, after leaving my last relationship and choosing to take the time to find myself, I really didn’t recognize myself. Some things that I’d set in motion in my life were still very important to me, but other things that I’d enjoyed and valued fell away.
I still believe in my spiritual journey and have been more involved in my church and been going to my women’s group, which I consider very important to who I am as a person.
I am writing even more than I was before and reading even more too. I have also started reviewing books on an online site and absolutely love it, much to my surprise. I had not felt like critiquing people’s books before, thinking it was kind of arrogant, but now I really enjoy the challenge of it, realizing my opinion is valuable and valued.
I used to go to a cafe almost every day to work, I had a favourite one I loved and I knew the owners and a lot of the regulars who came in, and I have stopped doing that completely. I haven’t been there in months, and when I think of going it just doesn’t feel right anymore. It no longer feels like me at all.
I have also stopped going on online dating sites. I realize I don’t like them at all and I’m not interested in dating anyone anyway. But I’m also not sure I like men that way anymore.
I am having trouble believing I will ever find a man who can love me for who I am and not primarily think of me as a play toy and sex object. I get the impression that most men spend time with women only to have sex with them, and not because they actually value women as people.
I am not a man hater at all. In fact my father is the gentlest man I’ve ever known and I absolutely love my son, but the men I’ve dated have left me feeling more like a doll they’d like dressed up a certain way than a person they’d like to know and spend time with.
They have often believed that they knew what was best for me (and unbelievably my son too) without knowing me for very long at all. I’ve had men tell me they’re not interested in hearing about my friends or the people who make up my life and are important to me, and then go on about their details of work as if I should hang on their every word.
They have told me how they believe I should raise my son or what I should do with my career without actually knowing me. I have come to realize that they were simply trying to turn me into someone “regular” that they could control because that made them feel more “comfortable.”
And of course I have not given in to these ridiculous attempts to “rule” my life, so they invariably found fault in me and blamed me for whatever they could rather than listen to what I had to say or actually get to know me as a real person, not just a pussy they wanted to keep around.
And so I am coming to the conclusion that I am not who I thought I was about men either. When I was younger I thought I was 100% straight, but as I’ve grown and changed I’m starting to believe I’m not.
The idea of spending time with women feels very freeing to me. I already read almost exclusively women’s writing and I have been deeply influenced by some amazing women writers who have definitely changed the course of my life.
And as I think more and more about how I’d like my life to unfold and what is important to who I am on an everyday basis, men really don’t come into it at all. This is really a new step for me and I’m not sure how I’m going to move forward from here.
I can only say that I’m not going on any dating sites looking for men. That I’m not wanting a boyfriend. I feel I have too many more important things to do with my time than deal with the male ego anymore. It would seem like such a waste of time to even bother.
So I am really not the person I used to be. In some ways I’ve stayed the same, but in some very big ways I’m completely different.
I do credit books and the women I’ve met through those books on influencing my life and helping me realize I really don’t need a man, and that actually my life would be a lot more peaceful without one.
To me there are not enough men who actually value women, and I find that extremely unattractive to the point of repulsion.
That said, I am beginning a new chapter of my life. One that feels authentic to me and for the first time ever I really don’t care what people think of me or how they feel about me, especially men.
And that is so f**king freeing you cannot imagine!
Or maybe you can…
From the series, Write On! by Jacqueline Snider, writer and editor
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