I can’t be brave any longer, I miss you all

I just sat down at my desk and looked out my window where I see the downtown wrapped around the mountain, and cars driving to and from the city. So many people going and coming, and I feel so disconnected from them all.

The world is just outside my reach, and if I stretch out my arm and extend my hand I will fail to actually connect with anyone because there’s a wall that keeps us all apart. It’s a wall of fear. It’s a virus wall. Omicron is its current name.

We are under restrictions again, and they are getting bigger and bigger as the new variant spreads. And it’s spreading like wild fire.

We are getting fed up, stressed to the max, unable to just live and do our usual things. Once again the idea of normality seems further and further from our reach.

For a few brief weeks there we had some hope back, the markets were full of tables again with people eating, talking, socializing, enjoying being together. Restaurants were lively with people able to just be together over good food. The gyms were open and we were back getting in shape with other people rather than sequestered to our rooms alone. But now that is all completely gone or restricted, and I think more will be taken away before we get some freedom back.

I am not a negative person and I am lucky I live with the people I love the most (and two furry kittens I adopted who have found a good home with us and in our hearts), but even then this continued struggle with the virus is wearing me down.

I feel that separation from others, and that my community is just outside my reach, even though I see them moving just outside my window. They feel a million miles away and I feel caught with my hand out with no one willing to reach out and touch it, because no one is allowed to. The virus has slapped my hand back like a stern British nanny, erasing my humanity.

My guess is the psychological effects of the virus will far outweigh the physical ones after this is all over. So many, many people are not being seen or heard because they are like me, like us all, alone and separate in a world where the virus is winning.

I’m so done with it, and my heart aches for people, for my community. I can’t be brave any longer, I miss you all.

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