I feel as if I’m staying in a hotel or at the spa, and I realize that’s the only time I’ve been alone on purpose before. To recharge.
But instead I’m at home, surrounded by my things and animals. Feeling, as I watch the planes fly past my living room window on their way to land, that I’ve made a really good choice being here.
It’s really starting to feel good. To feel right.
As I said before, it was one of the hardest choices I’ve ever made. I felt guilty for leaving my verbally abusive fiance, for renting an apartment by the water where I’ve wanted to live for years, and for choosing to live without my son.
And it’s funny how things fall into place when you listen to your heart.
My heart said, Leave your fiance! So I left after he was particularly abusive with me verbally, and I found and rented this apartment within a few days of leaving. Somehow I just knew in my heart that I had to get out of there. That I no longer felt safe with him emotionally, and I didn’t know if any physical abuse would follow.
And the apartment I chose was where I really wanted to be. Living in a village by the water. It’s beautiful and busy, yet peaceful. There’s a relaxed sense of life here, and people stay here because life is good. And when I walk my dog every day, we walk by the water. We see the weather coming in and know that this is now home.
And living without my son was hard at first. I missed his voice and his constant presence. But as the days went by I saw a change in him. He was starting to grow up. Learning to drive and enjoying not living with his mom. So all these choices, as hard as they were, have come to good in the end.
And I have renewed a friendship with an old friend that’s also really helping me heal. Somehow we grew apart at one point, but now we’ve come back together. It’s been a miraculous and transforming experience for me.
My friend has helped me realize the continuity of friendship. That my writing kept them in the loop as far as my life was concerned, and that they were thinking about me and even worried about me without my knowledge.
And that has caused me to believe that relationships move on a continuum. That there is not really a true beginning or an end, but there’s a fluidity to life that I feel I’m only truly beginning to understand.
And this has caused me to believe in my writing even more. And that is such a good thing. To never give up and keep reaching out.
Because I don’t know who I’m touching.
